Most of the time it’s a bad idea to draw stereotypes. When you make sweeping generalizations about broadly defined groups of people you risk making judgments based on assumptions rather than facts.
With that said I’m going to proceed with having fun at other people’s expense and point out some common threads that I’ve noticed within the cycling community. Any one of the items on the list below is innocent enough on its own, but as you read through the list you’ll start to see a pattern.
After the questions you’ll find a douche rating guide that I’ve developed to help understand your rating on the douche scale. You’ll need to keep track of your “yes” answers to find your rating.
Determining Douche Self Test
You ride carbon clinchers.
Your carbon clinchers have a Power Tap.
Your favorite cyclist is Lance Armstrong.
You’ve taken a cycling vacation to France to watch the Tour only when Lance was racing for the “W”.
You’ve never heard of Tyler Farrar or Tejay Van Garderen.
You pronounce “prime” like it’s primetime television.
Your bike is either
A) Custom Carbon
B) A Pro Tour Replica
You regularly ride in a Pro Tour team kit.
You think Floyd Landis didn’t take testosterone to win stage 17 of the 2005 Tour.
You’ve never owned a steel bike.
You’ve never owned wheels with more than 24 spokes.
You wear a national or world champion jersey that you didn’t earn.
Your frame features a plastic mount for your mini pump.
You wear your helmet inside when you make a mid-ride fuel stop.
You drive a BMW.
Scoring Guide
Number of Yes Answers Rating
1-3 No problem. Yearly anti-douche self exam is recommended
4-5 At Risk for Possible Douchedom. Quarterly self test is recommended
6-7 Douche, but there’s still hope to turn it around if you can see the error of your ways and learn that there’s more than one great American cyclist and that there other worthy frame materials beyond carbon fiber.
8-9 Getting to the point of no return. If you watch any cycling DVDs it’s best to avoid any race with a start or finish in France so that you can begin to see that there’s more to racing than le Tour.
10 Beyond hope. An emergency trip to Ronde van Vlaanderen, Milano San Remo or Amstel Gold is your only shot at seeing what cycling is really about.
11+ You probably got so offended that you couldn’t finish the article. See above for recommendations.